sanctuary

it's odd.
going through something so incredibly life changing.
to be so self-aware, but so self-involved.
to be mature enough to realize the weight of your actions, but immature enough to remain complacent to the full gravity of the situation.

is that what adulthood is?
making decisions, being led by some unexplainable force, and hoping the sky doesn't fall down on you.
hoping you don't get marked with a curse.
hoping the oceans don't swell up while you watch the lifeboat leave without you.

have you ever tried to explain making a momentous decision to someone?
you stumble over your phrases of 'it's time' and 'He told me to'.
when the honest truth is that you have no idea.

i have no idea why i did what i did.
the two typical situations do not apply to me.
i'm an outlier, making this decision because i feel that it's right.

i know that it's right.

Some Nights

It's days like today.
Where you feel good about not wearing a jacket.
But it's still a bit cold, so your upper arms get all goosebumpy.

It's days like today.
Where you get in your car.
You've got a massive headache, but nothing you're not used to.

It's days like today.
Where the car gets so hot that you can see the heat waves escaping as you open the door.
You get in, turn the radio on.
It's Katy Perry. Not your favorite, but it makes you wanna dance.
So 99.5, it is.

It's days like today.
You sit in the driver's seat.
Ever more aware of how short you are; there's less than 8 inches between you and the steering wheel.
(Should that be illegal?)

It's days like today.
You let the creamy air heat sink into your bones.
Your bones that have just began thawing from the longer-than-usual-but-just-as-bipolar Utah winter.

It's days like today.
Your body remembers what it's like to feel warm.
Maybe the world isn't so bad.
Maybe it's not as gray as you thought.

The sunflowers seem to agree.

read my heart

"Hell is when the stupid boundaries of this physical world make it impossible to show how much you care."

here

Lady and the Tramp

Amidst a conversation about how I sometimes feel like a failure because nothing seems to be working out at the moment:

"Thomas Edison was a failure."

Us

"Where do you see yourself a month from now?" he asked with a curious look in his eyes.

"Hmm... March 16th." I continued on wary of my next words. "Probably in the same place I am right now."

As soon as I said it, my own words stung me like a sunburn.
If I never change, I'll never grow and progress. And heaven knows that I have a lot of growing to do, in more ways than one.

Our overnight conversation gave me many things: an emotional to-do list a mile long, a spiritual to-do list even longer, and the peace to know that I was capable of more than I could have ever imagined.

In which I talk about love.

In my book, Valentine's Day isn't about love.


Okay, scratch that.

It's all about love;

but not the kind of love that makes teenage girls everywhere bitter because they're alone on this, the most romantic of days.


Valentine's Day is about my mom
and my brothers.

Growing up with a single mom, it can be imagined that Valentine's Day wouldn't be the most celebrated holiday in our house, but oh contrare.


As long as I can remember, Valentine's Day has been a day for my mom to celebrate (if i do say so myself) the greatest things that ever happened to her.

Cupid's holiday isn't about roses, and big romantic gestures, and that cute boy that makes you feel special.
It's about new underwear with hearts on them, and love notes, and the most beautiful woman on earth reminding us just how much we mean to her;

and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Hunnybuns.

The first day of seminary, 2nd semester, senior year of high school.
Brother Sackett.
We were discussing names, and what ours meant.

My name is Anna.
Which means grace.

He turned to me and said, "Maybe that's your purpose in life. To be someone's grace. To be what brings them back to Christ."

So I'm trying.
To find whoever I need to save.
I just hope I don't pass them by.

Help.

There's this kid.
Err... Boy.
Err... Man.
Person? Thing? It?

I like him.
He likes me.

We can't be together
for certain reasons.

He's not perfect,
neither am I.

People keep telling me I deserve better,
and while that's probably true,
I don't care.

He's being amazingly wonderful by not being with me.
He's doing both of us a favor, really.

The best part is that we're still best friends.
He can make me laugh like no one else.
He's the only one I feel myself around.

The worst part is that
I think I'm in love with him.

company

"Everything disappeared. Everything.  It all just fell away. And for many, many weeks, each morning and night, it was me and God. Just us. People came. People helped, in the way people can help. But in the quiet it was just God and me. God must love me very much to want me alone so badly. We did good work in the quiet. God told me I had to wait. God promised me that all evidence to the contrary, I was safe. I heard that over and over again. You are safe. You have to wait. Time takes time. There is nothing harder than letting time take time without trying to fix a damn thing. There is nothing harder than making no decision. But that is what was required of me at the time. And I had excellent company with which to wait."

 here

words

"nobody looks at a floating log in a river, and says, 'oh, i'd like to chase that boring log. let's see where it goes.'"

A couple weeks ago, I realized that I have been floating for the last few years. Sure, I have the greatest friends in the world. The Lord has blessed me with so many wonderful things, but what am I doing with that?

I don't really know what I want to be in life. I don't know where I'm going. And while I've realized that sometimes it's okay not to know everything, and that sometimes it's okay to trust the Lord and see where he takes you, you have to have some purpose in life.

I don't even know if I believe the deep down principles of the church, anymore. I know that my Savior died for me, and that he loves me. I know that Joseph Smith restored the gospel on this earth. I know that Thomas S. Monson is the word of God on earth today. But man alive, I couldn't tell you for the life of me what that really means to me right now.

It turns out that floating is pretty easy. You don't really have to do anything. None of your faith is ever tested, none of your promises are ever broken, you never have to worry about getting hurt.
But where's the fun in that? How are we supposed to grow and learn if we never struggle? How can you believe something you've never had to defend?



If any of this made any sense to anyone, I'm glad.
But if it made sense to no one, that's okay too.

Sometimes you just need to write.

worth it

lately i've been thinking about having an eternal perspective.
it's so easy to get lost in yourself when things aren't going your way.
but i'm so glad that there's someone that knows what He's doing with my life.
cause i sure don't.

who i'm especially grateful for over the last few months:

moon, for teaching me that the biggest lessons aren't always taught at school.
dani, for teaching me that true friends can come from anywhere.
leslie, for teaching me that charity doesn't have to be hard.
robbie, for teaching me that good things come to those who wait.
des/jenn/kayti/jennie/sharron, for teaching me that motherhood is the greatest blessing on earth, no matter how hard it may be every once in a while.
danielle, for teaching me that sometimes you have to act your age.

xo.

so much for chastity hammock

i've always wanted to have a journal.
i've seen how therapeutic and revealing theycan be.
i've started ones and done real good for about a week.
and then i fall off the wagon.
the whole 'bear your soul to a blank piece of paper' thing isn't really easy for me.
i need a little bit more prompting than that.

so i'm really glad lil blue boo has started this new project.
and i'm real excited for it.
it seems real simple and easy.
and something that i can look back on and be proud of.
<3

fearless

 

 

real life is a funny thing. 

i think most us feel reaching the end of our life and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up,

when we didn't say i love you,

when we should've said i'm sorry.

so there's a time for silence

and there's a time for waiting your turn,

but if you know how you feel and you so clearly know what you need to say, you know it. 

i don't think you should wait,

i think you should 

speak now.

cbaby.

on a completely, 100%, related note: i need a haircut.

8 things he (and he, and He) taught me.

it's crazy.
over the last few months, i've felt stuck.
i don't feel like i've been growing; be that spiritually, emotionally, or even physically (ha! just kidding about that... i stopped growing physically when i was 14. stuck at 5'1" for the rest of my life.).

anyways.
as i was saying.
the last few months have been really slow.
but the last few days?! oh geez.
in the last three days, i have learned:

1-don't settle for the first boy that looks your way. while he may be a good kisser, he might not be that great of a person for you.
2-talking really does help. you find out things about yourself through learning about other's experiences.
3-it's okay to laugh about your mistakes (see: #1).
4-if you dwell too long on something that really hurts, you'll turn into someone that turns anywhere for help. even if that 'anywhere' isn't the best place for you (again, see: #1).
5-find yourself a friend that isn't scared to cry and have pity parties with you. but remember to get over that pity party rather quick, or you'll turn into #4.
6-if you're uncomfortable, leave.
7-if you need help, ask.

8-if you feel like the good man upstairs won't hear your #7's, because of a certain #1 that you did... you're wrong. He hears them, even if you don't say them out loud.

somebody who loves me

i'm feeling rather grateful today.


the last few months have been hard. i don't know where i fit in. i don't know where i'm going. i don't really know where i'm from. and i haven't the slightest clue of who i am. but i do know this,

i like listening to music at volume level 37 in my car.
i like waking up and having somewhere to be, and someone to see.
i like not having to pay bills.
i like watching glee.
i like having random dance parties.
i like painting my nails.
i like reading.
i like learning something new everyday.
i like local music.
i like talking to brittany about cute boys at work.
i like writing completely rambling blog posts.
i like having a birthday present completely wrapped and sitting on my desk just waiting for dania.
i like hanging out with my mom.
i like shopping.
i like watching jazz games.
i like laughing about junior high.
i like not having to go to high school.
i like being responsible.
i like coloring.
i like saving money for a trip to fiji.
i like colorado.
i like going to off the wall.
i like taking a shower.
i like eating cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
i like baked potatoes.
i like driving to the smoking apple.
i like spending hours on pinterest.
i like meeting happy moms.
i like my brother.
i like getting flowers.
i like eating salad.
i like sleeping.
i like hiking.
i like listening to spoken word poetry.
i like doing crosswords.
i like burts bees pomegranate chapstick.
i like my great-grandma.
i like painting.
i like drinking water.
i like wearing dresses.
i like having the window open.

and most of all,

i like you.
yes, you.


thank you, Lord, for everything you've blessed me with.
thank you for letting me be happy.
thank you for letting me be me.

i'm gonna go lay in the grass now.

young and unsure

this is everything i've been needing to say for the last 6 months. i'm so glad someone else said it for me. originally posted here.


"Sometimes I wake up in the morning crabby and silent. I make the motions of getting ready – clothes and teeth brushing and book gathering – and then go stand in front of the mirror for the daily inspection: putting on my makeup.

"I linger over eyeshadows and blushes, whisk the bronzer over my face and scrunch my eyes tight as the bristles brush by. I paint my eyelids with what I hope isn’t too much blue, and I poke at my lower lids with soft black liner. I survey the results like a prospector after gold – pretty enough for today? Studious enough? Achieving enough?

"I am twenty. Sometimes my face is a stranger to me.
The curves of my nose and mouth retraced over and over in the reflection of the harsh winter sun glancing off the snow. I am twenty and when I put on my makeup I am ten again, playing grown up dress up for the parade of people in my day.

"I feel like I am in a constant state of becoming – a chameleon who changes with her surroundings. In this office I am competent administrator, this office simply student, the classroom the talkative one, this classroom the quiet one, and so on as my feet propel me through the hours. And when I catch sight of myself in mirrors or glass reflections across these months of being young and unsure, I keep wondering what I’m becoming, if I’m becoming anything worthwhile.

"I wonder as I read blogs from wise women, messy hearted women, women who are wives and mamas and entrepreneurs and teachers and lawyers, if you felt this way too. If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and wondered about who that face is looking back at you. If you feel sometimes in between the scattered Legos and papers and popcorn bits uncertain about who He wants you to be.

"If you feel like you’re playing dress up to please somebody else, clomping through life in your mother’s high heels and sliding all over the hardwood floors. Do you? I want to ask you. Did you look at your face in the mirror and wonder if what He’s made is beautiful, or if in the end it’s just like everything else?

"We need you to whisper, yes, just like we are two again and you are whispering in the middle of the warm dark night, wrapping us tight in hugs of words. Yes, I want to hear over and over until I can say it back to my scolding mirror – oh yes, daughter. Yes He picked you. Yes, He wants it to be just you, just you and Him in the best of long stories told over tea and fireplaces, over lemonade and porch swings. Yes, He wants to be in your story, He wants to be your story.

"Tell us that we don’t need to become anything but His. All day my makeup tells me to be prettier; my journal tells me to be more reflective; my schedule tells me to be smarter. And the everyday demands clatter loudly that it’s just not good enough yet, that I need to become something more impressive, more important, more admirable.

"Sometimes we need help making quiet.

"Sometimes we need help hearing “Yes.”

"Sometimes we need help scrubbing off the expectations and getting dressed in bright colors and running out to play in the big beautiful world God has made.

"Sometimes we younger daughters need to hear that all we need to be beautiful and worthy and enough is to be His."

i have no words.




hunger games = <3

i'd bet on you.

have i mentioned to anyone how excited i am for the hunger games?












cause, like, ya know. i'm really excited.

a born natural

(warning: there's quite a bit of language that my grandmother wouldn't approve of in this one)

this world is so confusing,
but you're gonna be fine.
you're gonna be fine.