sanctuary

it's odd.
going through something so incredibly life changing.
to be so self-aware, but so self-involved.
to be mature enough to realize the weight of your actions, but immature enough to remain complacent to the full gravity of the situation.

is that what adulthood is?
making decisions, being led by some unexplainable force, and hoping the sky doesn't fall down on you.
hoping you don't get marked with a curse.
hoping the oceans don't swell up while you watch the lifeboat leave without you.

have you ever tried to explain making a momentous decision to someone?
you stumble over your phrases of 'it's time' and 'He told me to'.
when the honest truth is that you have no idea.

i have no idea why i did what i did.
the two typical situations do not apply to me.
i'm an outlier, making this decision because i feel that it's right.

i know that it's right.

in time | j.wride

we have been up and down again,
here then there again
a path that's tied up in knots.
i don't have answers, i can't find answers.
we have been left then right again,
wrong then right again.
i was something you're not.
i was a believer, but now i'd happily leave here

i will take my pride this time.
i won't need your eyes in time.

did we burn the bridge where we were?
or did we fall in love with something so much more,
but it burned from the core
and buried deep inside our minds til we wake up,
decide to dig it up?

my tongue's tied up again,
it is tangled in knots.
i can't speak clearly,
though i could not be clearer.
the sky fell down again,
last time it rose again.
but i can't be something you're not.
i was a believer,
while you could happily leave here

i will speak my mind in time.

did we burn the bridge where we were?
or did we fall in love with something so much more,
but it burned from the core
and buried deep inside our minds?
and i'll wake up, wish you some luck
and take a trip to where we were when we were young,
still blinded by the sun.

we have been up then down again,
here then there again.
but i was something you're not.
i was a believer, now i'd happily leave here.

did we burn the bridge where we were?
or did we fall in love with something so much more,
but it burned from the core
and buried deep inside our minds?

and i'll wake up, then wish you some luck
take a trip to where we were.
and did we burn the bridge where we were,
and bury deep inside our minds?
will we wake up,
decide to dig it up?

here.

"be doers of the word"

A year ago, I was molested.

In the moment(s), I felt powerless, dirty, used, worthless.

Through the grace of God, I got out of it.

I spent the next 6 months, hopelessly clinging on to whatever/whomever looked my way. If that relationship crumbled to dust, I was determined to do whatever I had to do to make sure the next didn't end up the same way.

I had ruined the first "real" thing that I had felt, and there was no way in hell that I would let that happen again. I blended into relationship after relationship. I lost myself in other people's ideas. If he wanted someone that was adventurous and spontaneous, then that's what I would be. If he wanted someone that was romantic and hard-working, then that's what I would be. I would be whatever I needed to be loved.

In the moment(s), I thought that I felt strong, pure, productive, and worthy.

Through the grace of God, I found someone that knew how to speak to my heart.

She showed me new worlds, new ways, and old values. The values that I had grown up with all my life, but had never truly believed.

It's odd to come to the realization that you are in the middle of your conversion story. Although conversion to Christ is a lifelong process, there is an often a smaller period of time that really fuels and brings about that transformation. 

I am 1000% different than I was 365 days ago. Every fault that I had, I have learned to repair. While they have thus been replaced with new faults to recognize, it feels so amazing to know that I have the strength to overcome even the largest of demons.

I will forever spend my life grateful to this year. I finally feel like I have some say in how my life goes. I have spent the last 20 years being acted upon. It is now my turn to act, and to be the (co-)author of my own story.

xo.

I should've known.

the last 365 days, as explained through taylor swift lyrics

enchanted

Walls of insincerity,
Shifting eyes and vacancy
Vanished when I saw your face
All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you
 

This is me praying that
This was the very first page
Not where the story line ends
My thoughts will echo your name
Until I see you again
These are the words I held back
As I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you

treacherous 

Put your lips close to mine
As long as they don't touch
Out of focus, eye to eye
Till the gravity's too much
And I'll do anything you say
If you say it with your hands
And I'd be smart to walk away,
But you're quicksand

I can't decide if it's a choice
Getting swept away
I hear the sound of my own voice
Asking you to stay
And all we are is skin and bone
Trained to get along
Forever going with the flow,
But you're friction

 

the moment i knew

And the hours pass by,
Now I just wanna be alone,
But your close friends always seem to know
When there's something really wrong,
So they follow me down the hall,
And there in the bathroom,
I try not to fall apart,
And the sinking feeling starts,
As I say hopelessly,
"He said he'd be here."

i knew you were trouble 

I think--I think when it's all over,
It just comes back in flashes, you know?
It's like a kaleidoscope of memories.
It just all comes back. But he never does.
I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.
It's not really anything he said or anything he did,
It was the feeling that came along with it.
And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.
But I don't know if I should.
I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright.
But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?
Maybe he knew that when he saw me.
I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him.
It was losing me.

I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are. 

all too well 

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something 'bout it felt like home somehow.

And I can picture it after all these days.

And I know it's long gone,
And that magic's not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I'm not fine at all.
  

You tell me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me.

And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to...

'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.
We dance around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
And maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.

So casually cruel in the name of being honest.

After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

dear john

Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
And my mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine
You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight
Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let you know why
Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone.
Don't you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home, I should've known.
Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love then take it away
And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said,
"Run as fast as you can."

Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games?
When I loved you so, I should've known.

You are an expert at "Sorry"
And keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes
Cause you've burned them out

But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don’t look now
I’m shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

you belong with me

And she'll never know your story like I do.

And you've got a smile
That can light up this whole town.
I haven't seen it in awhile
Since she brought you down.

You say you're fine ‒ I know you better than that.
Hey, what you doing with a girl like that?

22

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make fun of our ex's.
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight
To fall in love with strangers.

We're happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way
It's miserable and magical.

pineapple&tswift

the last 365 days, as explained through pictures from my phone

everything has changed

the last 365 days, as explained through social media